i've realized something about my writing.
i don't do it anymore because i hate what i write nowadays.
i used to be such a good writer.
now when i go to write anything it's 98% terrible.
i'm just so out of practice.
it's a major factor to why i haven't turned in a single paper on time for the past three semesters.
i just dread it so much.
right now included.
i have 2 5-pagers, 1 3-pager, and 2 or 3 1-pagers.
.



&&&&

WTF..... belgium... who are you?  i've gotten a billion and seventeen views from belgium.

i cried today.
two times.
four times with in the second round.

it was for my cousin ben.
it was for me.
it was for a friend..... or the probable loss of.
it was for stress.
it was an aching...... a groaning pang.....
it was for the fact that i hadn't been to southland or surrounded by anything remotely godly in.... a very long time.
it was longing.
it was fear.
it was love.
it was hope.
it was sorrowful.
it was presence.
it was good.

it absolutely breaks my heart to think of the condition ben is in now verses how i knew him growing up.
in fact, saying "breaks my heart" doesn't even begin to authentically describe how i feel.
but that's all i know to say..... though i doubt any other language would suffice.
i haven't thought about him in a while,
but i did today.
as i was getting ready.
and i was doing my best to choke down the tears because time was dwindling before i had to make the forty minute trek to southland.
t.d. prayed.
my eyes saturated.

that's one thing i've been wanting.....

prayer.

not someone just saying "mm well, i'll pray for you,"


no.


someone sitting with me and praying over me,
specifically for me.
i've grown so weak.
(i find the use of "grown" followed by "weak" funny, in a way......
(as if that's something desirable, so why not fertilize and water it.....
(which is only what i've been doing.)




i just need to hear the words........

i'm sore and sick and tired from digging my preverbal grave.


but at the same time,
i feel like there are things
i have been through recently that have shown me
that i've regained some of the ground i had thought i lost.....
ground from six-ish years ago. 
not to say i'm regressing,
well, i guess i kind of am
but it's a strengthening regression.
bizarre to type it out like that,
but it's true.



i just need someone who understands me where i'm at,
where i want to go,
the fact that i think i'm in one of the most confusing and lost points in my life
and someone who can see the beauty and potential in that.
no.
i'm not talking about a boy.
a friend.
if the gender of that person happens to be a boy then so be it,
(but more than friendship is one of the last things i am in need of right now)

i have friends that understand me, yes,
but at the same rate i don't feel like some of them are in the direction i'm heading.
some are.
some aren't.
c'est la vie.
i need friends who understand where i'm at, where i want to go,
(yes, i know i just said this.... but it's important.....
(go read old testament poetry--
(the things the authors wanted to place emphasis on are repeated several times)
....someone to help me grow in the right direction.
i know the direction i want to head.
i see very few who are heading the same way.

just as the phrase "you are what you eat" goes,
you are whom and what you surround yourself with.

what am i?

an internet fool.
a time waster.
a lazy ass bum, if i may say so
(and it's my entry, so i'm going to).
a consumer.
i take, but i rarely give.....
from and to myself.
from and to others.



someone wake me up from my grave.
(i am beginning to....)


i'm glad i got to cry tonight.
i repress a lot.
more than you know.
more than can be covered in several weeks of one hour sessions
(that's for sure).

i'm thinking about asking my aunt for ben's address.
i want to send him a christmas card.
and something on a rope.
and a lollipop from the "stop-n-go."
i'm scared.
no.
i'm terrified.
i'm scared if i don't so something,
i'll be going to his funeral in the next couple years
(......more self dug graves... this time, not preverbal).










just prayers.
authentic prayers.
i think most have us have forgotten their power
(self included).

two things i need.
especially if you saw the condition of my room.
and how empty my stomach is right now.
pizza is about 15 minutes away from coming out of the oven.

empty stomach problem: solved.
being productive: uh, well.....

i wish that could be as easy as cooking pizza.
the thing is, it shouldn't be as hard as i make it out to be.

"don't think about it so much.
don't think about it so much,"
say the two dove chocolate wrappers
i have pinned up on my wall
(dark chocolate, of course).

all i've felt like doing lately is numbing myself.
not consciously wanting to do,
but it's what i've been doing for the past two weeks or so.
there's just things that need to sink in
they're not the most pleasant things
so why let them get to me when i can just forget about them,
right?

it's not just that, however
(it never is simple)
it's habit, too.
i'm completely in an undisciplined habit
and the effects of that are depressing.
and piling up around me.
literally, physically,
metaphorically, mentally,
emotionally, etc.






i don't know what else to say
except to leave you with this:



There is the tremendous power of habit; the constant,
silent growth with which it creeps and twines about the soul,
until its branches clutch and grip like iron that which seemed
so securely stronger than their tentative beginning. So  the
mind spoils its servants(thoughts), till they(the thoughts)
become its masters; and the leisure time of life may be either
a man's garden or his prison...  There is, perhaps, nothing on
which the health and happiness and worth of life tendency of our
unclaimed thought, should be towards high and pure and gladdening things.

----Francis Paget, The Spirit of Discipline

itz muh dai ove berth.

whhoooo rray.

i put these on myspace (odd thing for me to do..... i never use the blog on there), but myspace doesn't like to keep my format, so i'm putting them on here as well.


these are poems i wrote about a year ago and re-reading them for the first time tonight i feel they can be released.  many of them are short and to the point because that's all i can stand to write most of the time.




1.

breaking free of the myth
i have let my life become,
dehydrating my mind of all the lies
i have come to know as salty truths

swing high,
   o my heart,
you are no longer bloated and bogged down.



2.

two shoelaces
neatly placed on the ground
remnants of life,
                       s  c a  tt e r  ed.
covering the entity of
this floor i have spent a lifetime
   strategically trashing.
blame it on my subconscious.
to it, i feel connected and bound

          . . . . in a disconnected sort of way.


3.

fallen and found,
i lie on the ground
with my eyes
clasped shut!

the air is crisp
and i can breathe again

      rising
          and
             falling

   falling
        and
            reaching

reaching out to what may catch me
or slow my falling down



4.

gather the gander
'round this blazing fire
dance as the embers fall
landing purposefully on our shoulders
and noses and toeses
making new constellations
telling us their stories as the wind
wisps  them around


5.

bird in flight
bird in sight
grey sky falls
into crimson tide,
into ocean's white






mostly, i feel these are finished (except i'm sort of wanting to continue #5).
i need to write more.
not just poetry, but just for myself--as a release and for reflection.